He tells me he had a dream. In his dream we are in Brazil, on a bus, and everyone around us was speaking Portuguese. In his dream he is frustrated with me, because in his dream, I KNOW Portuguese, but I am speaking to everyone in English, refusing to use my Portuguese.
Now, in real life, I wish I knew how to speak Portuguese (and perhaps I should learn). More importantly as he tells me this story I am feeling the truth of his words.
You see, I have a VERY HARD TIME using the language of Yoga. The language that I preach, and teach, and encourage other people to practice. I do my best to live this language, but when it comes to using my voice, speaking my language, asking for what I need or want. I don’t.
My negative belief system says I shouldn’t ask for anything. It says that I should be grateful anybody would put up with me. I don’t want to be the “needy” girl. My pattern, and job, has always been to make sure everybody else is happy. I’ll give and give and give and give some more. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE GIVING, and LOVING! So it’s easy for me, but sometimes I feel this deep need or want in my heart, and I Just. Can’t. Form. the words to ask for it.
So he’s telling me his dream. And I am agreeing with him, that it speaks truth. I am refusing to use the Language that I know.
For a few weeks now I have felt the desire to ask him to pay a little more attention to me. I am in a place of somatic memory (this time of year brings it up) and have felt more insecure then I usually do. Plus, I have been in a relationship now for almost five months, and it is actually good. And my heart is having a hard time believing it could be true. Insecure. I am needing security. A little more attention. A little more affection.
But I tell myself I am a whole pizza. And shouldn’t need anything from anybody else.
So I don’t ask.
To ask would be to use the Language of Yoga that I teach and preach. I feel bad for how I feel. I try to be understanding of other’s circumstances. I shouldn’t need anything.
So. Much. Negative. Talk!
Here’s the thing. As I am telling him how his dream relates to me, he sits. And is understanding. And holds me in my fears. And asks me to ask for what I need. Because he wants to know because he’s still learning how to have a healthy relationship too. And there is no anger. And no denial. And no hard feelings.
And as he holds me in this place, when I do use my voice. Even though it is SO! SCARY! I learn that he is safe. I build trust with him more and more. My heart finds a place of peace. And I can once again breathe.
When you use your voice, you see things clearly.
I am still learning and practicing this language. It’s not easy! But so rewarding.
I love you,