It’s hard for me to believe it’s real. It’s almost as though I am experiencing denial. I have taken two pregnancy tests, both with a positive response, and haven’t started my period (and am now almost three weeks late) but it doesn’t seem real.
I keep pretending it’s not real. And when I found out I initially had the thought that my body and I are in such a good relationship with each other that there was no way I would experience pregnancy symptoms. I am totally above that (eye roll).
I don’t want to have the symptoms. I don’t want to be irritable and to cry at the drop of a hat. I don’t want my boobs to hurt. I don’t want to need to take a nap in the afternoon. And I don’t want to have to eat so much food, but I am hungry all the time!
I have found in my trying to resist it, it’s making it that much worse. I am not wanting to feel, which, if you have taken the Prana course with me you know that the longer you keep yourself from feeling, the longer you suffer.
I have been suffering. Not accepting this truth, and not accepting the way I feel is making it worse. It’s almost like I think if I were to hold perfectly still and be very rigid that it will all go away.
It’s not working.
The symptoms are still there. And, I am still pregnant.
I feel as though I am here now, consciously, mindfully, and it is as if someone has hijacked my body and is doing all of these weird things while I just have to stand back and watch. And I am. I am watching and trying to stay conscious.
I have used that word “control” before. When you stop trying to control the situations around you, and you come to love and hold yourself in the safety of your person, that’s when you have real control. I feel like the control of me staying grounded, the control of my ability to not react and mindfully work through things, I feel like the control of being aware of emotions and thoughts, is all out of my control.
I am nervous to share how I feel with my husband. I don’t want him to think less of me for being sleepy or needing to eat. I am not wanting to share with him my fear of getting fat and worrying about him falling out of love with me when I do. I am not wanting to tell him that I feel I have to make sure I do all of the things I was doing before to prove that I am worthy of loving during this time period.
I feel like I am once again holding up the neon sign of acceptance. Hoping he won’t drop me because of it.
So, I try to prove my worth and my value. I do extra things in hopes that he will keep loving me.
It’s nothing he’s brought on. It’s not him at all. He loves me and in reality, I know it, but in my head it’s a different story.
There is so much a part of me that doesn’t want it to be real. And there are so many reasons why.
- My relationship with my husband. I mean, we’re newly-weds and have four children with us already. For us to have a child that doesn’t go to “another’s” house every other weekend means we will never be able to take those weekends alone again.
- My body. It’s been 13 years since I had a child. I have a good relationship with it in its age. I have learned to appreciate and accept it and love it for how it is. Now, everything is going to change.
- My relationship with my children. My oldest child is 14 (and will be 15 by the time this baby is born) I have just gone from being a single mom for almost six years to married with two younger children who are around the majority of the time. Our dimension has changed completely, and it hasn’t all been peaches and cream. To throw another child into the mix will do what to the relationship I have with my children?
- My work. I LOVE MY JOB! And, I have my own business. I create and teach and get to establish relationships with beautiful women. What’s going to happen now? How will I continue to do what I love to do with a baby at home? How will I be able to make it to my oldest sons’ games, my younger sons plays, my step sons activities and my step daughters dance recitals? And, have a baby, and keep my job going?
- My sanity. I fear I just might lose it.
Simple truths. Truth is, right here in this moment.
I love you,